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Because I need one in my life. Actually, no I don’t, because that would make part of my job automated and we definitely don’t want that. Unless maybe I had a secret robot. Yes, I want a secret robot to transfer websites for me.

I just want to go to the Support People and say “please…just fix it” and then it be done, because let me tell you, when I do it myself, my entire day is filled with fear, anxiety and the certainty that I’m going to lose the new site and the old site and everything I hold dear. (Yes, I back up all the files all the time. That doesn’t mean I don’t get irrational paranoia.)

I also hate transferring websites because I just feel kind of dumb. Once we start getting into nameservers and moving databases is when I basically feel like an incognito spy who’s trying to sound like One Of Them. I have to say things like: “Okay. I have the character set of the file as ‘utf8’, the Partial Import is checked and number of records is 0, and the SQL is checked, compatibility mode: none. Does that seem right?” Then the support guy says “yep you’re good” and I click ‘Apply Changes’ and still nothing works. WHY.

Also: support people, if you’re out there reading this, please just assume that everyone is an idiot. I mean, I assume with your jobs you already do and are probably mostly correct, but really: layman’s terms are key. This was an actual conversation I had:

Me: A warning came up saying that emails might get messed up. Can you elaborate on what that means and what I can do to fix it?
Support Guy: MX records control which server incoming email is sent to
SG: if you change nameservers MX records do not move with the nameserver changes
Me: Okay, so does that mean the emails should be safe?
SG: if you change the nameservers to us, the current email will cease to receive messages

I mean, all I’m saying is he should have said that last line in the first place, then I wouldn’t have made myself look like a moron. Then there was this bit:

SG: the PIN proivded did not allow me access to this account so I can’t verify that
SG: *gives instructions to get the pin number, which were wrong by the way*
Me:  *says pin number*
SG: no
Me IRL: …..uh…yes?
SG: or at least its not setup in this account

well that’s what it says
SG: let me get you over to our email support channels

Ugh. So yes, in conclusion, the blueprints for this super-secret website-transferring robot are in the works.*

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